Disclaimer: I know this dynamic can go both ways. There are women who expect men to fix them, too. But as a woman who’s loved two fully grown men who behaved like children, I’m writing this from my side of the story—the one where empathy gets mistaken for servitude, and emotional labor gets repackaged as love. And before anyone chews my ass about bias, refer to my Perspectives blog.

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When a Video Becomes a Mirror

I got triggered by a video a few days back. A woman explained that her expectations in relationships are high because of how her dad treated her—he showed up, cared, paid attention, and set the bar. Her heart was in the right place, but the delivery came off like a “daddy’s girl” soundbite, and the trolls pounced.

Then a man stitched her video and said something along the lines of, “Sure, dads set an example for daughters, but wives set an example for sons.” and “Women need to train them.”

And here’s the thing—I actually understood his intentions. He just said it terribly. There is a learning curve in relationships; no one arrives pre-programmed to meet your every emotional need. I get that.

But then I made the mistake of opening the comment section. And that’s when I saw red.

Lazy men cheering like they’d just been declared righteous. Women agreeing that their dads had to be trained, as if generational exhaustion were a family heirloom. It wasn’t empowerment—it was a collective surrender.

We Shouldn’t Have to Raise Each Other

Here’s the truth: when you join a relationship, the only thing you should have to learn is each other.

Your wife is not responsible for teaching you how to adult, regulate your emotions, or communicate. Your husband isn’t your father figure or therapist either. Love isn’t meant to be a classroom where one partner does all the grading while the other refuses to study.

Being a functioning adult before entering a relationship isn’t a luxury—it’s the bare minimum. We all come with quirks and habits and emotional scars, sure. But knowing how to manage yourself, clean up after yourself, and take accountability? That’s not “training material.” That’s adulthood.

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The Cult of the ‘Good Woman’

We’ve been spoon-fed the lie that patience equals love—that if we just nurture harder, men will finally grow up. The “good woman” is endlessly understanding, forgiving, and proud of how much she endures. She trains her man like a dog learning new tricks, and society claps for him when he finally sits.

Meanwhile, she’s burned out.

It’s not that women enjoy mothering their partners—it’s that they’ve been taught to. Raised on examples of women who quietly held everything together while men were praised for showing up at all. We internalize that until exhaustion feels holy.

But there’s nothing divine about depletion.

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Partnership, Not Parenthood

A healthy relationship should feel like building, not babysitting.
You should both come in ready to learn, adapt, and grow together. That’s the kind of “training” that makes sense—the mutual kind. The adult kind.

Partnership isn’t about molding someone into who you need them to be; it’s about discovering who you can become beside them.

You shouldn’t have to beg for accountability, praise basic respect, or teach empathy like it’s a foreign language. You should be learning each other’s preferences, not each other’s moral compasses.

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Closing Thoughts: The Lesson Isn’t Mine to Teach

The next time someone tells me, “You just have to train men,” I might actually howl. Because I’m not looking for a project—I’m looking for a partner.

Love should be a meeting of equals, not a mentorship. And I refuse to carry the emotional syllabus for both of us. Not anymore. 🖤